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Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
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