don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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