she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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