Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
