The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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