Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Houston, we have a squirter
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
