i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
