Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize