I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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