my phone needs a breathalizer
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize