Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
