i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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