I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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