My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
