Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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