I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
