Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
