I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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