if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
