it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
