he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
