i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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