you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
