Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
They took my balls.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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