The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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