Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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