Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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