I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So much rum. So many feels.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
