I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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