Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
