I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
