Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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