I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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