the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
