i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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