there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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