I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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