hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
