I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
