Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
