I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
