im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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