halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
