i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
