if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
