I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize