There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
