I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
