Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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