I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think a kid would responsible me up
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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