Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
