hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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