ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
