my phone needs a breathalizer
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
