After last night, I could never be a politician.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
