that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
