yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
