you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize