i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
