he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
