I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
