I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
