Its about making memories worth repressing
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
